When I was in high school I was smallish. Not super skinny, but smallish. I am 5'1, so pretty much by default I was small. I danced, did a bit of cheer leading, and occasionally played some sort of sport. I ate what I wanted and drank what I wanted. I never really worried about being fat.
The summer before I came to college I put on a fair amount of weight, probably 15-20 pounds. I started worrying. I also started taking diet pills. I was fairly unhappy with my freshman year experience. I started eating a meal a day. I lost a lot of weight. Like, a lot. I felt amazing. And horrible.
I kept living that way for a few years. Working out, eating very little, taking diet pills. Then I met J. We started out as friends then fell in love.
As our relationship grew, so did my waistline.
By the time we got married I had regained the 35 pounds I lost plus another 10. In the five years that have passed since then, I have added another 30 pounds to that. Keep in mind, I am 5'1.
Along the way people have made those comments. You know the ones, "You would be so pretty if you just lost some weight." "You carry your weight well, but wouldn't you feel better at X?" So on and so forth.
Do you think I don't know? I see myself daily. I am aware of what I weigh and how I look. The thing is....It is hard.
Losing weight is hard. Not for everyone, but for me (and a lot of other people!) it is difficult. I know my weaknesses, Dr. Pepper, fried food, and sweets. Also, maybe being happy?
When I started college I left behind my family and my high school boyfriend. (We did the long distance thing for a year and a half.) I was not happy. I made friends, but not until the 2nd semester of my freshman year and by that time I was pretty well ensconced in my eating pattern. Or my lack-of-eating pattern. When I am lonely and unhappy it is easier to channel my frustration into weight loss.
Now I am happy (Not without bad days and stress, but happy nonetheless). I have a great husband, a great daughter, a good job, and a lot of friends that I get to spend time with. What I guess this long post is saying is that without the trigger to get me going I am complacent. I don't want to be. I want to be proactive. Not starving and miserable like I was in college, but not lazy like I am now. I need a balance between the two that I have yet to really find.
|So many thoughts in there.|