The Trouble With Pictures

Lately I have been feeling uninspired. I don't want to make necklaces, paint, write, or any other craft projects. Mostly, I just want to read GOMI and waste time. Is that a lack of inspiration or just pure laziness? I suspect it is laziness...I am hoping that the upcoming Winter/Christmas Break will recharge me.

I haven't formally documented my continued journey to a healthy weight in a while either. I busted out the old before/during/after outfit for a set of shots yesterday and added them to my collage.

Obviously there is a huge space between the last time I posted specifically about weight loss and today. The actual pounds dropped isn't as huge though. I am okay with it, trust me, and am currently bouncing between 5 and 7 pounds from my 30 Before 30 goal of 50 pounds. I have been bouncing there for a good month, but because it is the holiday season, I am trying to stay positive.

If I can be honest (and seeing as how this is my blog, I think I will allow it), I got really down on Sunday. My family went to Ice, the amazing ice display in Grapevine. Before you go in they take a family shot, and because I am short, I was in the front of ours. It was truly a horrible picture of me. My sweet Bug is smiling and looking at the camera, J looks cute, my sis-in-law and the others look good too. But there I was, right in front, looking like all my previously lost pounds had found their way back to me. I contrasted that picture with the (very nicely edited and tweaked) pictures my friend Chelcie took. Then I became even more upset. Why couldn't the candid and day to day pictures look like the photos she took? (And in that instance it wasn't just the weight loss. It was everything. The hair, the makeup all of it seemed better.) I have been having a difficult time reconciling the me in person with the me in pictures, for both better and worse. It is a strange thing.

I had gone a very long time either hiding in pictures or avoiding the camera all together. I have had coworkers ask me on multiple occasions why I keep posting pictures of myself now. Obviously their questions are hinting at my narcissism, which I won't flat out deny (I mean I blog about my life so clearly there is a level of that there). I usually just evade the question with a joke, but it does make me feel like a preening peacock. It is not that I think I look amazing, mostly I just think I look different. I never know what the camera is going to show me. Will I look like the girl in this picture?

Or the one in this one?
Or worse, the girl in this one?

People talk camera angles, face angles, etc, but it is hard when you are still trying to learn a new body. What is reality and what is in your head? What do I actually look like to those that see me in the real world? What do I see? I know I see the bad way more than the good. I think that is true of most people though. (I hope it isn't just me!) The top picture is the best version of me I can hope to achieve, to the point that I don't think it actually really even looks like me. The middle picture is probably the closest to how I think I look now. Big stomach roll, small squinty eyes, and a too big nose are what stand out there. The last picture is how I saw myself before, and is also the picture that set this post into motion. It was all my worries in one moment of film. Forever frozen and saved.

So why post it again? Well, partly because writing helps me work through things. If all this stays in my head, it makes the rest of my life messy. The other part comes from trying to stay honest with myself and my readers. Losing the weight won't automatically shift you to a new place. That is an emotional work that (in my case) is taking longer than the dieting.

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