What do you do when you fail? Cry? Laugh? Give up? Some combination of all three?
For me, yes, yes, yes, and yes. At the end of May I was weighing in at my lowest weight in over 6 years, probably closer to 7. I was within sight of my ultimate end goal, to be anywhere in the 130's. I mean it was still a long distance view, but I could see it! Then summer vacation came along. When I started back to work I was a good ten pounds heavier than when I left. Today I found myself closer to 15 pounds away from that May number. I weighed mid day, so the "real" number is probably 12 up, but either way, I have been in the midst of a crying/laughing/giving up fit.
I do not want to wake up and find myself so far from my goal that I can no longer imagine achieving it, and frankly, these 12 pounds are pushing me there. I can no longer see the end goal, the 130's are now twice as far away as they were in May. Four months.
A lot of people find it hard to believe that someone would/could gain 12 pounds over a summer, but I am living proof it can happen. Part of the problem is how I lost the weight in the first place, resorting to not eating during the day, stress, and occasional work outs to get me to where I was. I know this only worked because I had so much weight to lose, and once I got closer to my goal (16 pounds from the 130's) the less that method worked. I tried to get serious in July, working out five days a week, but then I had a business trip, then Disney, then back to work. I am so full of excuses, it is no wonder I've gained weight!
The biggest issues have been how I feel, how I look, and how my clothes are fitting. (Hint, they aren't.) I went through a huge closet clean-out once I hit a ten, purging my closet of the 18's, 16's, and 14's. I kept two pair of size 12 safety pants, and I have found myself reaching for them. This is not what I wanted.
I wanted to be packing up my 10's and reaching for 8's, or at the very least buying more of the same. And look, I know all about vanity sizing and that the number shouldn't matter; honestly the number in the waistband has less of an impact than the fact that I have a whole wardrobe of cute clothes that now look crappy because they do not fit correctly.
So here I go again, take 1200 (or something). I do not really know what to do. Honestly. Do I go back to no food during the day? Do I try mini meals, or diet meals, or shake replacements? How do I live a normal life, lose weight, and still have time for my family? Oh and work, and cleaning, and all the other junk that comes with being responsible for others? I'm asking because the only answers I have are not answers I want to hear. But, maybe they are the ones I need. I don't know.
The saddest part is, I feel like these are the only type of posts I have any voice on anymore. I also feel like I've written this exact post so many times that it is becoming my defining trait, I will forever be the girl trying (and failing) to lose weight. That is not who I want to be.