Well I've been away from my blog for over a month. I wanted to write, I just had nothing to say. Nothing in my head was worthy of public consumption and I didn't have the time or the energy to do a blog worthy project. So instead I opted for silence.
I did not make any New Year's Resolutions, but I am catching myself in bad habits and a bad place. So, I can opt for silence or I can opt for change.
I have been carrying anxieties and resentments. I have felt stifled and blocked. I have let old habits creep back in to my life.
I spent half a week in Austin at a technology convention and it honestly gave me
a fresh perspective on a few things. I am going to stop dragging my feet and being wishy-washy, I am going to figure out where I want to be in five years and what it will take to get me there. A good friend did remind me not to get so caught up in the future that I lose sight of right now, and I am going to work very hard to make sure I don't. However, I also want to find the path I need.
I know that work will be crazy. Feb-April means testing and tutoring and that means two days a week of J having to do pick-up and I always feel bad asking him to do that. No reason, I mean he is A's dad and never complains. But it is still hard to basically put someone else's kid ahead of your own.
I am going to find better ways to channel and deal with my stress and anxiety. I've heard running can be wonderfully therapeutic, and if I can hack it, the added benefit will address the weight I have let creep back on.
It is amazing how much of my perceived identity is tied to my weight. I believe people think I am nicer, funnier, smarter, and a better person when I weigh less. I don't actually know who feels that way, or if anyone has even noticed the 15 pounds that have crept their way back into my life, but that is my perception.
It is hard to admit that we might not be as happy as we pretend to be. And it is hard to pinpoint where the sadness has seeped in or why. I just know that I am feeling the "winter blues" but I am choosing to try and change. Especially because I have so many reasons to be happy.